I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
