last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
