okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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