as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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