xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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