im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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