My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
