it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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