Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
