nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
