the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
