And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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