My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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