did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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