she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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