Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
