he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
