How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
