true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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