Cold hands, warm shart.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
