his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
