I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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