So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
