Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
