You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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