I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
