Where did you get a picture of my penis
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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