don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
