I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
