Your face is a jimmy john
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
