hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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