he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
