Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
