we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
