Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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