I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
