That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
