I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
