his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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