Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Send help, water and tortillas.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
