If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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