I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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