i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
