my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
