So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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