I will die if light touches me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
