ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
