you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
