i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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