first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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