i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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