You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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